CB Posse Fantasy Football League: 2014

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Punching Kittens

I Will Punch a Kitten - IN - THE - FACE!

I've always hated relying on Yahoo to run our league. This year my worst fears came to be realized.

With the first overall pick, my computer refused to open the draft room. Over and over, for half an hour, I will get on, only to be booted, again and again. The tension and frustration built as the piece of electronic garbage force me to auto draft number one overall: LeSean McCoy. I was planning to take Jamal Charles and the anger exploded from me.

"I will punch a kitten in the face!" I screamed, so the echo blanket of the entire neighborhood. Landon and Spencer loved that one.

I ran the rest of the draft through my phone, and eventually the blood receded from my eyes. To be clear, I hate the new Yahoo draft room. I can't believe it doesn't provide a filter for wide receiver/tight end. This typifies the amateur hour nature of Yahoo, and I'm going to renew my push for a better system next season.

Charles eventually fell to Gene, and he graciously offered to swap the two running backs and set things right. However, after some thought, and perhaps under the influence of my lecture on Oedipus the King this week, I'm going to give into fates larger than myself and stick with McCoy. Tomorrow, tomorrow, we shall see.

Predictions:
Quarterbacks I love to out produce last season's total: Luck (drafted him), Brady, Ryan, and obviously Rogers should be on the list, but that is an injury cheap shot.

Quarterbacks I hate, and see declining from last season's total: Peyton Manning, Rivers, Dalton, Newton, Roethlisberger, and Foles.

One final note (updated after Week 2):

I put RGIII on the "Love" list, even though he was benched the final three games of last season.

This blatant homerism has likely cost me my season in my second league.

I was all in on RGIII this season. A moment came in my other league, composed entirely of Auburn graduates, when I had to decide between RGIII and Cam Newton. As I mulled the decision, Matthew Barry sage advice leapt my from my subconscious: We play pet fantasy for fun. I should've heard his other advice: Minimize risk. There is no more risky QB in the NFL than RGIII, typified by his non-contact dislocated ankle in Week 2.

Fueled by a pitcher of Long Island Ice-T, I idiotically floated another 50 jellybeans on the RGIII and Newton heads up. Ugh.

Hail Kirk Cousins!!

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Congrats CB! Now we can tell you…

This season was a long, long time in the making. CBPFFL crowned its first champion in 1993, and now, twenty years later, the trophy that bears your name is finally yours. Today, Optimus Prime reigns supreme!

Congratulations, you built an excellent team. You grabbed Peyton in a record setting year, complemented him well, and threw in a healthy dose of “KC D baby.”

The entire season was one of pure destiny. I particularly liked the move of bringing your brother on board, in order to crush his puny team by over 600 points. What style!

You stood on the throats of the vanquished and cruised to victory by a margin of 133 points over Jason’s bid to repeat as champion. Well done, sir. Enjoy the jelly beans.

Now for the sad part…

It’s time that the rest of us let you in on a little secret. The trophy, the whole league, everything, was only created as a way for us to frustrate and humiliate you.

Years ago, huddled in the undercarriage of Landon, we got bored one day and concocted a fiendish plan: a way to force you into a Christian Okoye obsession, trick you into picking up Mel Grey, and beat you relentlessly, year after year.

You might call us mean jerks, but we just like beating you in Fantasy Football. And it was a nice, two decade party. So, thanks for that.

We all agreed to play until the day, far in the future, when you actually managed to finally win, and then immediately disband the league.

And so, this season marks the end of the CBPFFL, friend. The trophy shall be buried with you, and rest with you among choirs of angels for all eternity.

Take care,

The Commish

History of the League

In the fall of 1991, six young boys entered the hallowed halls of the Banfield Academic Center to embark upon a journey that would make them into men. They were lead by the eponymous Carl Brown and his obsession with Dennis Hopper. His group, which gathered each day in their private, brick-walled alcove, consisted of Steven Caggiano, James Pickard, Sahil Tak, Hank Zakroff, and Murat Zincir. Though other people drifted in and out, this was the core of the entity that would come to be known as the CB Posse.

CB Posse FF officially began in 1993. The early years of the league would be dominanted by Murat and Pickard, who took the trophy three time each. It wasn't until the seventh year of CB Posse FF that this dynamic duo of NFL knowledge failed to capture first place. Sadly, in 1999, as the Posse members finished college, only four owners played, and, due to lack of interest, the league would begin a decade long hibernation.

In 2009, Pickard asked Hank whether he would be interested in getting the league back together. After an emphatic "YES!" from his friend, Pickard made some phone calls and the league was reborn like a glorious phoenix from the ashes. The 21st Century has revolutionized FF into a more competitive monster. CB Posse FF went completely digital, and unless you can navigate the nearly endless amounts of NFL information available on the internet, you don't have a chance. Sahil would emerge as the dominant force, and he destroyed the league for back-to-back championships.

21st Century CB Posse FF has seen significant expansion. Murat and Pickard have lured several local friends into the ranks. Murat's New York crew has been dominant, consistently finishing near the top, and even claiming several championships. CB Posse FF has also become multi-generational, as young Jack Caggiano has boldly followed his parents' footsteps. Even the trophy underwent massive expansion, and is renamed The Caggiano.